Do you think they shoot backpackers here?

This was the question on both of our minds as we walked into the lobby of L Hotel Seminyak.

Our lovely friends gave us a luxury hotel voucher for a wedding present, which was still unused by the time we were ready to leave the UK. So, we treated ourselves to a few nights of luxury in Bali ready for our trip to Australia.

Luckily, the L Hotel staff did not shoot us and were charm itself; we had to virtually be prised from their doors when we left.

Seminyak is part of a massive urban sprawl which takes in the notorious Aussie party destination of Kuta and its slightly downmarket neighbour Legian before becoming Seminyak, which attracts a slightly older and more expat crowd. L Hotel sat on an unassuming corner, about halfway between the beach and the bar strip of Seminyak.

Upon arrival, our personal butler gave us a tour of our room, taking in:

The wardrobe of complimentary bathrobes and slippers;
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Our rack of Kiehls toiletries;
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Our turndown service, complete with bedtime story
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My first act was, of course, to don my bathrobe and apply as many of said toiletries about my person as humanely possible. The rest went in my rucksack every day to ensure we received a full replenishment. I would worry what the staff thought, but free posh cleanser is free posh cleanser and I have no shame where good skincare products are concerned.

I wish I could tell you we spent our time exploring the cultural offerings of Seminyak. But I wouldn’t lie to you. Our five days nearly all went as follows:

  • Get up. Drink free tea out of china cup and watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians (don’t judge me) in my free bathrobe.
  • Have a reminisce about when we stayed in hostels and had to wash our own cups and make our own beds. Chuckle about “the poor days”, as we now called them.
  • Google “squatters rights in hotels Bali” (limited results)
  • Read breakfast menu, laugh at prices and head to a nearby cafe
  • Free shuttle bus to beach
  • Park self on beach lounger, moving only at lunch and sunset to forage for food and/or beer from the beachside warung

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  • Head back to hotel. Don bathrobe. Apply Kiehls toiletries about person. Check google results for “consequences of refusing to leave hotel Bali” (also limited).
  • Head out to a bar or restaurant, of which there were plenty nearby. Spend money saved on accommodation costs on beer and amazing food, to the annoyance of our budget tracking app.

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One night we also got a little drunk and rang to see how many pillows we could order from our famed pillow menu. We hit seven before we got embarrassed and also ran out of room to store them.

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The restaurants and bars in Seminyak are pretty decent. We went to a free short film festival at the swanky Potato Club (nursing our beers veery sloooowly) where we watched films in the open air overlooking the sea, had a fantastic BBQ fish dinner and also enjoyed some of the live music in the local bars, which tended to be quite decent acoustic sets. We did venture towards Kuta one night and ended up in a horrendous themed bar/restaurant called Frankensteins for about 10 minutes before walking out, thanking our lucky stars that their slack service meant we hadn’t so much as ordered a drink. I refused to go any further towards Kuta from therein. I know. I’m old and grumpy.

And thus concludes our time in Seminyak. I wish I could tell you we came away culturally richer, but frankly I am only richer in Kiehls toiletries, which now occupy about a third of my bag.

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